TAE A FERT

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie

Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie.

Just as ye sit doon among yer kin

There sterts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas

Stert workin like a gentle breeze.

But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face

Will have ye blawin all ower the place.

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae

A'bodys gonnae have tae pay.

Even if ye try to stifle

It's like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair

Tae try and stop the leakin air.

Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek

Prae tae God it doesnae reek.

But aw yer efforts go assunder

Oot it comes like a clap a thunder.

Ricochets aroon the room.

Michty me a sonic boom.

God almighty it fairly reeks.

Hope I huvnae shit ma breeks.

Tae the bog I better scurry,

Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry.

A'body roon aboot me chokin,

Wan or two are nearly bokin.

I'll feel better for a while.

Cannae help but raise a smile.

Wis him ! I shout with accusin glower

Alas too late, he's just keeled ower.

Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare

A dinnae feel welcome any mair.

Where e're ye go let yer wind gan ' free

Sounds like just the job fur me

Whit a fuss at rabbie's perty

Ower the sake o' won wee ferty!